Christmas is often described as the most wonderful time of the year, a season of togetherness, celebration, and joy. For many, it is a time of religious reflection and gratitude. However, for those grieving the loss of a loved one, feelings of comfort and joy can be acutely missed. The traditions, music, and gatherings meant to bring happiness may instead magnify the absence, turning festive moments into painful reminders. Regardless of which, if any, winter festivities you observe, the pressure absorbed from the activities going on all around us, especially in schools, can feel overwhelming.
Our team have worked with many colleagues this year who have faced bereavement; and I have myself lost four family members in the last 12 months. I share this as a reminder that you are not alone if you find yourself struggling this Christmas. Grief is, of course, a deeply personal journey, which everyone experiences differently. At the same time, it is also a profoundly shared human experience. In every community, there are countless others quietly carrying the weight of loss, intensified by big events such as Christmas; hence I’m sending this message to you all today, to let you know that we see you.
Although painful, it is extremely helpful to pay attention to our fluctuating emotions, not in any attempt to “move them on” but simply to be connected to our journey through them, towards acceptance. Dr. Kübler-Ross introduced the famous five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Her work helped to frame grief as a journey, rather than a single, overwhelming emotion. Further models have since been widely adopted, such as the 7 Stages below. Many people find these stages of grief a helpful way to understand their own experience, in the full appreciation that there is no “right” way to grieve and that everyone moves through these stages differently.
Research on the neuroscience of grief has shown that it’s important to allow ourselves to feel the emotions, as painful as they can be, rather than suppress them; expressing our grief, whether through talking, journalling, or simply sitting with our emotions, helps us in the healing process.
Finding moments of comfort through calming activities like mindfulness, gentle exercise and getting fresh air, can also provide relief. Leaning on support networks, whether family, friends, or professionals, can significantly help, too. Sharing our grief can make it lighter and give us a sense of connection, and comfort, especially if those around us are also missing the same person.
Self-compassion is also key, as explained beautifully here by therapist Ted Bradshaw.
What about joy? We may want to enjoy the festivities, share happy times with loved ones, and uphold family traditions, yet these may be a constant reminder of what, or who, is missing. This conflict can evoke feelings of sadness, guilt, worry, fear and shame for not being fully present. There is a certain guilt that can arise from smiling or laughing, as though feeling any joy is a betrayal of our grief. Likewise, if grief overwhelms us, we may worry about how it impacts those around us.
These mixed feelings are natural and normal. Accepting that it’s okay to feel both joy and sorrow is an essential part of learning to navigate grief. Joy and grief are both part of the human experience, are both worthy of our attention, and can co-exist. Giving ourselves permission to be happy doesn’t mean forgetting our person; rather, we’re learning and growing in our ability to carry them with us:
Growth Through Grief (fig 5)
One way to help navigate the festivities while grieving is by creating new rituals. When traditional customs may feel too painful, developing new ones that honour your loved one can provide comfort and a sense of connection. As Silverman and Klass explain in their research from around the world on Continuing Bonds, rituals can play a crucial role in the healing process by helping us retain a sense of connection. You might hang a special ornament in their honour, light a special candle, share a story about them during dinner, or cook their favourite dish. These gestures can help integrate your grief into your present life, weaving your memories into the fabric of your festivities in a meaningful way. These new rituals can offer a sense of continuity, allowing you to acknowledge both the absence and the ongoing presence of your loved one in your life:
Video: Continuing Bonds - "Just because somebody has left this earth, it does not mean that our connection, attachment or our relationship with them has to end."
To navigate these complexities, you need to give yourself some space: time to pause, pay attention to and process your emotions. If you're already working with a coach, this reflective time can be very valuable. Unlike counselling, which often focuses on addressing deep psychological wounds and trauma, coaching is future-focused and goal-oriented. Your coach can help you acknowledge your current emotions and develop strategies to move forwards with grace. While counselling provides therapeutic support, coaching offers practical tools to create a plan for self-care and build the resilience needed to embrace the challenges of the season.
If you're not experiencing loss or grief yourself, be mindful of those around you who are. Acknowledge their feelings without trying to "fix" them; sometimes just offering a listening ear can be incredibly comforting. You might also consider offering practical support, such as helping with tasks or errands, or creating space for them to share their memories if they wish. Avoid forcing them to participate in festivities if they’re not ready, but instead, offer gentle invitations to join in when they feel comfortable. Most importantly, be patient and allow them to grieve in their own way, without judgment or expectation. If you’re working with children suffering bereavement, there are plenty of resources to support you, for example Child Bereavement UK.
Grief, comfort and joy may feel like conflicting emotions, especially during the holiday season, but they can co-exist in ways that support healing. It’s okay to feel the weight of loss while also allowing yourself moments of peace and even joy. Whether you’re navigating your own grief or supporting someone else through theirs, remember that it’s not about finding immediate resolution, but rather about giving space to experience the full range of emotions that come with loss. By embracing both the sadness and the moments of comfort and joy, we can better forge a path through the season with greater compassion for ourselves and others, finding gentle ways to honour our grief while also opening our hearts to comfort and joy.
Some gentle questions for a time of reflection:
What one thing might help you feel you’re honouring your grief during the festive season?
What one thing might help you feel comfort in the company of others during the festive season?
What one thing might help you feel some joy during the festive season?
This has been a difficult piece to write, as I’m sure you can imagine, and yet it has also been comforting. I hope it helps some of you, in some small way, to feel more able to move into December carrying a little less fear and a little more hope. While the waves of grief may feel overwhelming, they’re also a reminder of the deep love you shared with your loved one- and that can, indeed, be a reason for true joy.
Wishing you all peace and love this Christmas ❤️
Very best wishes to all,
Further support: If you're struggling to cope with your grief, please reach out to your GP or to one of the many organisations which want to help:
Support and self-care for grief: Mind
Find a bereavement counsellor: Counselling Directory
In-person support groups: The Bereavement Journey
Catherine Hulme
Director
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